I'm Practicing Being a Celebrity

Remember when Angelina Jolie won the Oscar for "Girl Interrupted"? She made out with her brother and then jumped into a pool fully dressed?

I'm practicing for when I take home an Academy Award. I'm so close to the end of my Infant Swimming Resource classes that I can just taste it.

Today, I went in fully clothed, even wearing funny white sandals. I felt just like an old man in Boca.

Ooohhhhh!

So a lot of you have asked why I'm slacking so much on blogging. Thank you for missing me when I'm not here. I miss you, too.

You know that Mommy Chick is my ghostwriter and general assistant. Now that I am crawling, I require her to trail closely behind me, pulling dog food out of my mouth and putting those little safety things in plugs. So there isn't a lot of sitting time.

I have so many fabulous posts in the works, so MC needs to get cracking.

In other news, I've totally helped MC shed the last of her preggo weight. I'm almost 10 months old, so it's about time, huh? Anyway, I'm like her own personal trainer, making her squat and lift me, crawl, run, you get it.

I vow to give her a few minutes daily to transcribe my wisdom for you.

I just spewed boobie milk all over the tile and need MC to clean it.

Happy Tuesday.

Wordless Wednesday: Surprise!

I'm an Excellent Driver

"We absolutely are stopping to ask for directions. You've already gotten us lost once. And if you don't stop grabbing the steering wheel, we will never get there!"

Keep Swimming!

Check me out! I can totally swim!

I'm still opting for my French Riviera swim look, which is cool since I train at a private facility.

My teacher, Miss Glenda, is going on vaycay, so I won't graduate until the week of the 12th. I imagine Miss Glenda will be doing lots of self-esteem building activities on her trip. It must be hard having all your clients cry when they see you.

I try to make her feel better by smiling and laughing at her after I get out of the pool. All I really want to do while in the pool is chillax on a float with a Boobie Colada.

But bossy ole Mommy Chick insists that I be able to swim, just in case I ever sneak away and swan dive into a pool.

Do you like the way I point my Monkey Toes?

Kissing Pigs and Purging Closets

Why am I sitting on a giant litter box? And why does that dirty water keep getting my piggies? I don't know if I like this whole vacation thing. Sigh.

Mommy Chick and I are back from a mini-beach vaycay. I'm happy to be home with my bad dogs, but I've been quite busy.

It seems that boobie milk is like Miracle Grow. That means I have a whole bunch of couture I can no longer wear. So MC and I are purging my closet to make room for new summer and fall fashion.

My Piglet doll and I are helping with The Great Purge of '10. He and I are BFF.

Please accept my apologies for MC's sub-par camera work. Apparently she is auditioning for the next Blair Witch Project.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Bob!

I'm a Mermaid

Sorry I've been away for a few days. This is a big week for me. I'm now just like Michael Phelps...if Michael Phelps wore pink swim panties and screamed each time he entered the pool.

Swimming takes a lot of my time. Ten minutes a day to be exact. I'm taking Infant Swimming Resource lessons. So basically, I'm learning how to save myself should I fall into some water.

I think Piglet should take lessons, too. He is a Shih Tzu and inherited MC's unfortunate athletic skills.

I've opted for the European-topless look while swimming. It simplifies my day. Most Americans are so uptight about such things. I'm glad my teacher is cool with my swim attire.

I think I might kind of be like the Wicked Witch of the West. Remember how water made her melt? I think water might be my kryptonite...it's interfering with my super power.

You'll recall my super power is the ability to fight sleep. I find myself napping more this week. I certainly hope that changes, because my staying awake for 14 hours is fun for everyone.

Creepy Bedtime Story

You'll never believe what happened last night! Mommy Chick read me a story about pigs. One of the pigs went to the grocery store, and I guess it made another pig mad, so he cried like a little baby pig. That's not even the weird part. MC's fingers turned into little pink pigs!

I mean, I've heard of people having sausage fingers. MC used to work for a man who had Vienna Sausages for digits. Or as some of the people from my Nana's hometown would say, "VEYE-eeenie Weenies." I cannot make up this stuff.

So if Jimmy Dean hands are your thing, check out this book. It is $9.35 at Amazon, which is a few bucks less than we paid somewhere else.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday Featuring Oliver the Cat

I Almost Know Kim Kardashian

How was your holiday weekend?  Mine was riveting.  I ate cold noodles and edamame directly off the table at a chain restaurant.  Don't worry, Mommy Chick cleaned the table before my feast.  I ate some chicken, too.  The protein gives my hair a lot of body and luster, or at least that is what MC says.

This is a picture of me with our friend, Fancy.  I'm under MC's yellow shirt.  This was last summer at Disney World.  We were in line for the Toy Story ride.  Geez, those Disney people were really picky about what I could ride in-utero.  Don't you think MC's pouty face distracts from her 7 1/2 month pregnant belly?  I do.

Now, check out what Fancy was doing this weekend while you were busy eating hot dogs on a lawn chair.

Are you jealous?  Because I'm totally not.  I think eating knock-off PF Changs is just as glamorous as walking the red carpet at the Indy 500.  Fancy said Kim is "tiny, gorgeous and sweet," just as we had always suspected.

She also said Kim's butt is pretty much a normal butt.  Sometimes I think I look a little like her when my panties are full.

Fancy keeps threatening to start a blog.  We hope she does, so we can continue being not jealous of all her celebrity encounters.

"Sex and the City" Inspired Bow

Have you seen "Sex and the City 2" yet?  Neither have we.  But we are super excited to see all the fun fashion and ridiculous storylines.

Do you ever poke around on Facebook?  Mommy Chick wastes way too much time there.  Daddy Dude is not on Facebook because it is "gay."  We agree...it is fun, sparkly, well dressed and fabulous.  That is what he meant by "gay," right?

Anyway, we saw this fierce bow on Sweet and Chic Bowique's page.  It is inspired by "Sex and the City"!

Look closely.  Those are shoes on the bow!  I need this to highlight my new platinum hair!

The bow is $4.99.  I know!  A total bargain, right?

Here's how to make it even more of a bargain:  Mention "I support our troops" in the note section of your order, and get 10% off anything purchased this weekend.  

Sale ends Monday at 11:59 p.m.

Gap Swim Sale!

Big shout out to Mama at Everyday Mama for alerting us to the $12 swimsuit sale at Baby Gap!

I opted for two looks, each featuring animal print.  Insert animal growling sound here.

The first is a one-shoulder giraffe print one piece, regularly $20.

And here is a fabulous zebra print tankini, also regularly $20.

Listen up, baby boys!  If you really want to impress your lady friend, sport these sea horse trunks.  Did you know male sea horses have babies and then stay home with them while the girl sea horses play golf and drink beer?  It's true.  So if you wear these, your lady will know that you are really dedicated!

Baby Gap's online sale runs through June 2nd.

Preparing for the Holiday Weekend

Do you have plans for the big holiday weekend? I'm not sure what is on our agenda. However, I don't want to be caught off guard for any last-minute beach, boat or pool outings. So Mommy Chick and I spray tanned. We really do love Mystic Tan. MC is naturally alabaster, but Mystic makes her a nice shade of ecru.

If you don't have time to stand naked in front of the sprayers, we also really dig Neutrogena MicroMist self tanner.  Make sure you get the mist instead of the lotion or spray.  We find anything other than the mist streaks.  MC buys two shades darker than her natural, translucent color.



We're hitting Macy's today in search of a swimsuit for me.  I'm starting swim lessons soon and need to look good while I scream.  I'll let you know what we score.

I'm pretty sure I can pull off a bikini.  Wish us luck!

Wordless Wednesday: Asleep on the Job

I've Gone Primal!

Look! I'm eating roasted chicken. Not only is it yummy, but it makes a nice facial mask.

Mommy Chick is pretty excited because Operation Melt Baby Fat is going very well. This is pretty funny. MC lost all of her Baby Growing weight within the first week I was on Earth. But then, I ate at the boobie buffet 24/7 and it made her insanely hungry. So she gained a bunch of it back. Isn't that crazy?

So we put our heads together and began counting calories. But MC was starving all the time and still didn't lose weight. That's what I call a lose-lose situation. And the supply at the buffet tanked, so no one was happy. And when I'm not happy, we have problems.

MC was all sad, so she started working out with a trainer. He told us to read this blog:

http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/

The gist is you kind of eat like our ancestors did a bunch of years ago. You know, back when they lived in caves instead of condos. I don't really like science, but if you do, you can see all the studies and research that explain the theory.

If you don't feel like reading here is the deal. It all revolves around insulin. Increase in insulin is bad and makes you fat and hungry. And oh yeah, causes disease. Yuck.

1. Don't eat sugar or white flour.

2. Limit grains.

3. Increase fat.

It's super yummy and totally works. MC is closing in on her pre-preg weight, but wants to lose a bit more.

And here's the best part. Since going primal, the supply at the boobie buffet has just about doubled.

And that makes me happy. And when I'm happy, we are all happy.

Breaking News: I Have Hair

Check it out! I'm rocking a bow WITH NO HEADBAND! The bow is indeed clipped to actual strands of hair. I'm pretty sure I'm a future blond, so I still kind of look bald. But I really am sprouting a nice little mane.

This picture was snapped by the paparazzi at the gay chorus concert this weekend. Mommy Chick and I worked in the lobby pimping a DVD we produced.

I am wearing a custom-made dress, designed for me by one of Daddy Dude's patients. She has a little business and keeps threatening to open an online store, but so far has not. We will let you know as soon as that gets rolling.

MC is wearing, don't judge, a dress from Macy's junior department. She is far from being a "junior" so I was a bit confused. But it totally makes sense...she needed something sassy and trendy, yet didn't want to commit much cash. MC still melting away some pounds, so I agree that investing in something pricey would be silly.

We paid $24.99 for this little dress. Here is a similar one for the same price:

Help Monkey Babies with Blood Cancers

Happy Friday! Yesterday I celebrated my eight month birthday. Yay me! I use the term "celebrate" lightly, because Mommy Chick and I like to celebrate our love and fabulocity each day, and we think you should, too.

I'm so happy to be healthy and have the energy to play in the park and blog about pretty clothes. I've told you before that I did a short NICU stint when I was born. Pneumonia is for the birds. It was not a good time and MC doesn't like to to talk about it, especially because she wears liquid eyeliner which is not conducive to crying.

Here is a video of me when I was a few days old. I was sucking colostrum off a cotton swab. If you watch it too much, you might melt at how sweet and cute I am. BTW...those are Daddy Dude's hands. MC does not have big furry fingers. That would be gross.

When I was in the hospital, MC and Daddy Dude were so touched by the help and outpouring of love we all received. Our friend, Barbara, was so wonderful to all of us. She came and sat with MC, who was all weepy pants. But even though MC was weepy, she still blew out her hair and wore lip gloss, which is a lot more

than I can say for a nurse who was mean to us. But I digress.

Barbara also did cranial sacral therapy on me, which helped me heal faster. I was only in the pokey for 10 days, and we just can't imagine what it's like for mommies and daddies and babies who have blood cancer.

And now, Barbara is running for the Central Florida Woman of the Year. That's a pretty big title, but we think it is fitting for a few reasons:

*She is a Lymph Drainage Therapist

*She is raising money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society.

*This money goes toward helping children with blood cancers.

*Every 10 minutes a life is lost to leukemia.

One dollar equals one vote. She needs 5,000 votes, or she will be publicly beheaded. I authorized a nice donation from our family business.

If each one of you gave even a dollar or two, that would be a lot. I'm not really that good at math, but I do know that a least a few hundred people visit me every day. I know that because I'm a Reverse Stalker. I can see you. And I know if you have time to be sitting around reading blogs, you have time to go this website and donate $5.

http://www.myhealthtouch.com/womanoftheyear.html

Seriously, go get a latte and then donate the same amount to help sick monkey babies.

And if you actually do it, maybe I will tell you the story about how Barbara helped MC and DD know what my name was supposed to be.

Here's your tease: I was still in utero.

Janie and Jack: Monkey Paradise

Yeah, I said it: Monkey Paradise. I do love to shop at Janie and Jack, so I'm very honored they designed a whole collection just for me.

Have you seen it?  The down side is that it is part of the layette collection, so you older kids can't get in on the fun.

I wore this little number to Seaworld over the weekend.  It's very gauzy and cool, which is a plus for these steamy temps.  Also, it's not too obvious.  You know what I mean?  The monkeys are classy and refined, just chillin' in palm trees.  They're not slinging poo like zoo monkeys.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

This is $34.

The Monkey Paradise collection features some cuteness for boys, too.  This shirt is $28.  I can picture my boyfriends wearing this while smoking a Cuban cigar, except infants probably shouldn't smoke.

They also have some pretty sassy stuff on sale, like this bikini for $23.

And these pineapple swim trunks for $21.99.

My Own Version of "Dancing with the Stars"

Do you love "Dancing with the Stars"? I think it's fabulous and is one of the reasons I refuse to go to bed early.

I can't decide whether I love Nicole or Evan more. Nicole is from the same town as Mommy Chick, and is clearly the best dancer. But Evan is so funny, and I'm pretty sure he is fa-la-la-fabulous, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

As you may already know, I excel at the River Dance!

Now I've added ballroom to my repertoire.

This was an impromptu performance. Next time I will spray tan and add sequins to my monkey pajamas.

I Met a Dolphin

And I want him to live in my bathtub. This dolphin especially warms my heart because he posed on cue.

Over the weekend, we went to Seaworld. It's this big, hot place where animals live in pools. You can see by the sweat glistening on both Mommy Chick and me that we really wanted to hop into the pool, too. But MC explained that diving into the dolphin pool would be considered inappropriate and might get us thrown into theme park jail.

I really don't want to go to theme park jail, because we'd probably be in there with people who wear Crocs and style their hair into mullets.

Speaking of hair, you can't see from that picture, but I'm finally starting to get some. I decided to yank my hat off all day, so MC slicked up my 'do with some sunscreen.

Daddy Dude thought I might like to show my luxurious hair to the passers-by on the log flume ride.

Rude. That is MC and DD's friend laughing. Rude.

Now I'm having to undergo special hair treatments to get the reclaimed water funk out of my locks.

Canine Companions

Remember yesterday when I told you we went to Seaworld? You'll never believe why we went! Mommy Chick, Daddy Dude and I were invited to a very special event: a Canine Companions for Independence Graduation.

If you don't know about CCI, go check out their website. These dogs and their people are so amazing and pretty much make my dogs look extra lazy. And maybe not so smart.

We went to support Talullah Belle, a black lab. She and her trainer, Peggy, are patients of DD. I personally think Talullah Mae has a nice ring to it.

Isn't she beautiful? I love her and just know she will make an amazing companion for a very lucky person!

I love this video of Tallulah Belle Mae, with the exception of MC droning on and on about mastitis in the background. We get it, MC, you were sick. It wasn't a picnic for any of us, believe me. But let's all move on, OK?

We have more important things to talk about, like my hair. Do you love it? I'm still growing it out some, but am pleased with its sunny blond hue.

I still think a sweepy bang might look nice.

What do you think?

I'm Just Like Barbara Walters

Wow, I've been away a long time. I told you Mommy Chick is recovering from mastitis. It's pretty much like having the Devil in Your Boobies, but maybe even a bit worse. She finally is up and moving again, which is good. I really haven't authorized much sick time for her, so to have her use up almost two weeks is not good for the bottom line.

MC and I are on the Board of Directors for our local gay chorus. MC is a really bad singer, so she mainly helps with public relations and media stuff.

Our big project lately has been producing a DVD to celebrate their 20th Anniversary Season. So I've gotten to interview a lot of people, help shoot video and help edit.

This is what happened when we went to interview the publisher of a newspaper. If you are aspiring to be a journalist, keep in mind that it is very professional to take a baby to your interviews. For added flair, wear a top that is covered in baby puke.

Were you able to pick out my question? Pretty hard-hitting stuff, huh?

Mommy was Hit by a Boobie Truck

Sorry we've been MIA. Where to begin? Mommy Chick is down and out with something called mastitis. So she pretty much lays in her bed and sleeps. She says it feels like a truck hit her. And she has a fever. Don't worry, she's on antibiotics so we're hoping to be back to normal in a few days.

My Gigi has been here working for me while MC lays around like a possum. I kind of like this mastitis thing, because the doctor told her to sleep and feed me as much as possible. So I'm playing a very important role in recovery.

Much like a queen, Gigi ferries me back and forth to the milk bar every few hours. I could get used to this.

I've been working on a lot of stuff lately, like growing hair and saying "Da da." I have video of all of this, but am hesitant to make MC work too much today.

We'll try to update tomorrow.

My Parents are So Rude

Not only are they rude, but they have the cajones to capture their rudeness on video tape. I'm quite certain I could use this video as some sort of evidence when I call the Never Wake a Sleeping Baby Police and get them put in You Woke a Sleeping Baby Jail.

Isn't that the rule? Never Wake a Sleeping Baby? That's what I thought, but Mommy Chick and Daddy Dude clearly did not get the memo. They've been all in a tizzy because I changed my bedtime. I'm getting older, so I like to watch prime time TV, then I need to catch the first block of the local news. That put me hitting the Baby Hay around 11:15 for a few nights.

So I heard them laying in their bed, frantically plotting the end of my late bedtime.

Here is Phase One of their plan. By the way, MC doesn't always sound like a man. She's been sick, so it gives a nice, husky/nasal tone to her voice. Sexy.

Even my Big Brown Dog is a part of the conspiracy. But I have a plan of my own. Last night I slept from 9:30 until 8:15. I'll do that for a few more nights, you know, lull them into a false sense of victory. Then I'll sneak attack by demanding to watch late night infomercials.

I'm starting to get a little hair, so I need to learn all about the Bump It.

My New Career

Here I am in the radio studio laying some tracks. Is that even the right terminology? I'm not sure. Mommy Chick teaches TV at a local broadcast school, but I'm considering going into radio instead. That way, I can pretty much wear whatever I want and I won't be required to make my hair all puffy.

Here I am wearing one of my little Carter's get ups. I love their sunsuits because they are super cute and most of them are around $10 or less. When I got home from the studio, I actually had an epic poopslosion.

MC questioned even attempting to save this outfit. She did, but had we opted to toss it, it wouldn't have been all that tragic.

We saw this interesting link. Have you ever wanted to dress like a TV news anchor? Me neither, but if you know someone who does, pass this along to them: TV News Closet.

It's where you can buy all the stuff you favorite news anchors have cast aside. We were perusing, and there are actually some great deals. So if you are looking to expand your professional wardrobe, take a gander!

Baby Einstein Exercauser!

Swimsuit season is upon us, so in honor of Fergalicious, I'm "workin' on my fitness." While on vaycay, my new love John Carter let me try out his exercauser. Delicious and fun!

So imagine my delight last night when my Gigi bought me my very own Baby Einstein Exercauser! Gigi is for sure one of my very best employees. Not only does she hang with me on the days Mommy Chick works, but she pretty much does whatever I tell her to. One time, she let me drink 15 ounces of boobie milk in less than three hours! I like to refer to that as "The Best Day Ever."

The Baby Einstein exercauser is $79 and worth every penny. As MC's boss, I generally disapprove of time-wasting activities like showering or cleaning. But when she insists, this will keep me safe and occupied.

I Want a Pool!

In my fantasies, I have a glorious pool with a waterfall.  Throw in some mojito-flavored boobie milk and a Gay Pool Boy (preferably one who wears a sassy mule), and I'd say life is just about perfect.

When Mommy Chick and Daddy Dude found out I was stowing away in her tummy, they started talking about finding a new house.  We live in a super cute Old Florida bungalow deal.  It actually belonged to my great-grandparents.  MC thinks sometimes they come visit me from the other side.  She thinks that because weird things happen, like my swing turns itself on and I like to talk to air.  All sorts of freaky stuff like that has always happened to MC, and maybe one day I'll let her do a guest post to tell you all about it.

Anyway, that's my really long-winded way of telling you that we have not found a new house and I'd say we will probably be in our bungalow for another year or so.  Our pool-less bungalow, that is.

So MC and I are entertaining the idea of a little baby pool for me.  The problem is that my Big Brown Dog will probably dive in and pop it.  And by "probably," I really mean "definitely."

I was reading Allyson and Dave yesterday and she mentioned this fabulous whale pool from Pottery Barn Kids.  It even has a blow hole!  You can have your very own whale for $59.

I am resisting telling you that it looks like a whale of a good time.  That would be cheesy and I frown upon cheese.  It makes me toot.

Babies and Chiropractic: Watch Me Get Adjusted!

I think I've mentioned before that Daddy Dude is a chiropractor. And sometimes when we suggest to other Monkey Baby parents that they take their spawn to a chiro, people act like we've suggested they sacrifice a goat over their kid (do you like that? goat? kid? get it?). Speaking of goats, I met some really funny ones last week.

Back to chiropractic and Monkey Babies. It probably does seem wacky if you don't know how it's done. People are all like, "Oh no, my baby is too little to be cracked."

Here's the deal. I am not an egg. I mean, I guess I was at one time, but then I got fertilized. That turned me into an embryo, right? I'm not so good at biology. Then I became a fetus and then a Monkey Baby.

So since I'm no longer an egg, it would be inappropriate to crack me.

Did you know that babies who have regular chiro care often have fewer ear infections, less colic and are generally more attractive? OK, I made up that last one. Well I didn't completely make it up, but I just don't have any studies at the moment to back up my claim.

Just for you, I decided to go undercover as a patient at DD's practice. I always get adjusted before I fly so that my ears don't get all freaky deaky on the plane. I do get kind of ticked because I HATE being held still. I'm a Monkey on the Move!

I wore my unisex pants in hopes of being incognito, but I think DD still recognized me.

BTW...I'm a much better patient than Mommy Chick, who is completely embarrassing. She shrieks things like, "This is worse than labor," and "You are killing me."

So don't be fooled. She's running the camera, giggling at me all smug, like she just loves to get adjusted. It's an act, I tell you.

I'm going for a cranial-sacral tune up on Friday. I'll tell you about that next week.

Don't worry. I'll get back to fashion and fun products tomorrow. I'm not going to go all crazy-educational on you. That's what Elmo is for.

Weird Dogs with Horns

So I had a lot of firsts while on my glamorous vacation to Louisville, Kentucky. I rocked my first photo shoot with my two fabulous cousins, I used a sippy cup for the first time, and I met these funny looking dog-like creatures with horns!

Mommy Chick and I spent a few days at my Nana's and Papa's house. It's the same house where MC lived when she was a little Monkey Girl. It looks like any other middle-class suburban 'hood. But it's not!

We went for a walk one night, and right behind one of the houses, we stumbled upon a pond.

Look who lives there! MC said these are called goats. I might get her one for Mother's Day. I think Daddy Dude will really like that idea.

Look how fast the goat moves his Pretty Goat Lips. I'm going to practice that technique for drinking boobie milk.

So according to my Nana, the city brings in these goats to eat the grass around a retention pond. I think that is the height of laziness and probably requires more effort than just mowing the lawn.

But it's a lot more fun feeding goats than visiting city workers, so I won't complain.

I'm Baaaacccckkkk!

Did you miss me? I hope so. It has been a whirlwind last few weeks and I've been on a bit of a hiatus. Mommy Chick and I went to visit our peeps in Kentucky. The trip was fabulous. You know what's not fabulous? No wifi.

MC and I went totally white trash and were sitting against walls of my Auntie Dill's house trying to steal wifi from her neighbors. Allegedly. If I say allegedly, then that can't serve as a confession and I can't go to Internet prison.

Here are some of the highlights from my trip. I had a big photo shoot with my two cousins, Banana and Noodle. Do you think we look alike? Banana calls my blog my "blob."

I really like this next photo because I am the star.

You'll notice I am starting to get some hair. The styling possibilities are now endless.

I also met my new boyfriend, John Carter. He is MC's BFF's baby. He is a month older than me, and I love that he is confident enough to rock a Flock of Seagulls 'do.

MC captured our first meeting on video. He has never seen another baby exactly his age. Check it out, he woke up from a nap and found me in his living room.

Do you think I seem too into him? As I was posting this, I noticed MC calls me by my other name in this video. It must be a nickname because she mostly calls me "Monkey" or "Mae Mae."

Tomorrow I'll share some other highlights, including goats!

BTW...I am seven months old today! Yay me!

Happy Easter!

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

I Am Confused

Dear Fake White Bunny,

I really feel like I can talk to you.  Some of Mommy Chick's friends saw this picture and thought you were real.  And that you might bite my face.  I know my cheeks look delicious.  You may be made of polyester, Fake White Bunny, but you are real to me.

Help me understand why Pamela Anderson was in the bottom two on Dancing with the Stars.  Oh, sorry.  You haven't watched it on your Tivo yet?  Perhaps I should have issued a spoiler alert.

I guess I just don't know what the world is coming to when Kate Gosslin scores higher than Pam.  Pam is a friend of the chicken.  I bet you like little baby chicks, don't you, Fake White Bunny?

I have to go.  Daddy Dude just got a Wii fit and is running in place on a little board.  It is making me uncomfortable.

See you this Sunday, Fake White Bunny.

Love,

Monkey Mae

Dancing with the Stars

Do you watch Dancing with the Stars?  I love it.  As you know, I'm a bit of a fancy dancer myself.

My favorite is Pamela Anderson.  She speaks to me.  Saturday Daddy Dude called us and asked us if we wanted anything from KFC:

DD:  "Hey, do you want anything from KFC?"
Mommy Chick: "No, I don't eat KFC.  Pamela Anderson told me not to."
DD:  "How about some grilled chicken?"
MC:  "I think we need to listen to Pam."

This is Pam from last week.  You know what I love?  Her hair has a giant tangle, but somehow it works for her.  I'm pretty sure that style only looks good on her, so do not try this at home.  I cannot wait to have enough hair to wear tangled.  Just looking at her doing the Cha Cha Cha makes me thirsty.

You know who doesn't speak to me? Kate Gosslin. I know, her ex-hubby is all douchey

running around in his Ed Hardy gear and I really appreciate her tummy tuck. BUT her 

extensions make my eyes bleed. BLEED I tell you. And oh yeah, she's not a very good

dancer.

Who do you think will be eliminated first?

Chicco Crib Toy and All Night Party

Mommy Chick and I are dragging today.  Maybe we have a case of "the Mondays."  I always hear people say that, but am not really sure what it means.  I wonder if we need a nasal swab for a definitive diagnosis.

Anyway, I've been sleeping in my beautiful crib like a big girl. MC and I loved co-sleeping.  She likes sniffing my head while I sleep, which I think is totally creepy.  Can you imagine waking up to someone inhaling your aroma?  Weird, but worth it to have access to the all-night buffet.

Anyway, MC's Gay Mother-in-Law (my Fairy Godfather's Mommy) worked for me one night while MC and Daddy Dude went on a hot date.  When they came home, Grandma Jean was chillaxin'.  MC asked where I was, and she said, in her Boston accent, "She's in her crib.  Where else would she be?"

Thank god someone finally figured out that I'd like a little "me time" and room to stretch my long legs.  And I've slept in there all night every night since.

Until last night.

Around midnight, MC and DD heard a concerto.  I was playing my piano.  In my sleep.  With my head.



Normally, I love to compose on my Chicco Sleep and Play toy.  It allows me to express my creativity, while MC indulges in life's finer things, like peeing or unloading the dishwasher.

But it scared me last night in the dark, so MC moved me into her bed for the night, where just like old times, I binged like Meredith Baxter Birney in a bad Lifetime movie.

So we are tired.  And looking forward to our own space tonight.

Happy Monday.

Celebrity Encounter

Look who came to my house today!

Elmo is one of my very favorite actors.  I really enjoy his range.  At first, I was afraid he was some sort of Ninja Elmo Impersonator, so I body slammed him.  Don't worry, he's OK and forgives me.  You really can't be too careful these days.

Had I known an international superstar would be waiting for me this morning, I would have changed out of my lounge wear.  I usually have an "in between jammies and real outfit outfit" that I wear for breakfast and the resulting post-meal spew.

This morning I'm chilling in a basic Carters onesie.  If you buy more than $50 on their website, they'll ship it to you free.  We like free.

See that big brown thing behind me?  That's Rusty.  He's a type of dog called a Lab.  I'm pretty sure that's a very exotic breed, so don't feel bad if you've never heard of it. 

Anyway, I will rent him to you.  Even when I'm screaming and inconsolable, if Mommy Chick sits me near Rusty, I stop crying and laugh.  

He is simple, but I love him and his Big Brown Head.

Looking For My Loot

Did that "no mail on Saturday thing" go through?

My New Tooth and Sophie the Giraffe

Do you have your tickets...to the GUN SHOW?  I learned that joke from Daddy Dude.  Mommy Chick used to fall for it all the time and get all excited thinking that NSync was planning a reunion tour.  I've got a million more, so stick around.

MC was trying to snap a pic of my new tooth.  But it is shy, so I cover it with my tongue every time she tries to see it.  I'm going to use a Crest White Strip on it before I release photographs.

I'm planning to grow some more teeth, so MC needs to get her act together with cool stuff for me to chew.  See that washcloth?  I like to chew it after it's been in the freezer.

But I think this looks even more fun!  It's Sophie the Giraffe and I want to bite her face off!

Here's what Sophie's manufacturer says about her:

Sight: The dark and contrasting spots all over Sophie the Giraffe's body provide visual stimulation and make her easily recognizable to baby. She soon becomes a familiar and reassuring objet. Hearing: Her squeaker keeps baby amused, stimulates his hearings, and helps him to understand the link between cause and effect. Taste: Sophie the Giraffe is very flexible and has lots of parts for baby to chew like ears, horns, legs. She is perfect for soothing baby's sore gums when teething and is completely safe. Made of 100% natural rubber and food paint. Touch: Sophie the Giraffe is perfect for baby's small hands. She is very light and her long legs and neck are easy for baby to grip. She is very soft to touch, just like baby's mummy, stimulating soothing physiological and emotional responses. Smell: The singular scent of natural rubber from Have tree makes Sophie the Giraffe very special and easy for your child to identify amid all his other toys. Phthalates and BPA free.

Did you see that it says "stimulates his hearings to help him understand cause and effect"?  Cause:  You didn't hire a copy editor.  Effect:  I am laughing at you and your "hearings."

Anyway, Sophie comes highly recommended from my little baby friend, Genevieve.  She is very sophisticated and lives in NYC, so I'm thinking that Sophie must be the "it" teether.

I'll let you know how it works for my next Tooth Growing Event.