Why, Shiloh, Why?

Literacy is super important to Mommy Chick.  That's why she is very diligent about reading to me.  Today as we were reading TMZ, we got a glimpse of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.  I. Am. Sad.  She now has late 1990's newscaster hair.  Sigh.

I do think she has the most beautiful little face of any celebrity monkey, so if anyone can work a Katie Couric 'do, it is Shiloh.

Check out the pix and let me know what you think.  If I ever get hair, should I get this cut?

Swimwear and How a Snickers Bar Betrayed Us

You would think it is February or something because it is frigid here in the Sunshine State again today.  So we are doing therapy by envisioning our alabaster skin glistening on the beach.  Although I imagine it is hard to achieve "glistening" when you are covered in thick, white SPF 274.


Since I plan to grow quite a bit during swimsuit season, I will purchase at least two suits.  Yesterday I showed you my pick for a one piece.  I also want to rock a bikini.  I'm working on a new skill...sitting up.  So far, I can get to a 45-degree angle and hold it for several seconds.  You can imagine this has given me some pretty impressive abs.


Mommy Chick is also working on her fitness.  However, I have a tip for her.  When telling your personal trainer how well you've been eating, make sure a Snickers wrapper doesn't fall out of your pocket.  Yes, this happened this morning.


So I'm probably the only one of us who will be wearing a bikini, and this is my favorite one.  It is by Kate Mack.  It doesn't come in my size, but all you toddler bathing beauties need to get this STAT!  That means right now!  It is $54.

I need a cute cover-up to go with my variety of suits, so this one looks like a winner.  It is the Baby Tamalyn Cover Up by Ralph Lauren.  You can get one for $35.  I won't be mad if you get one.  Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Mommy Chick's favorite cover up is by Diane von Furstenburg.  We think DVF is a genius for inventing the wrap dress way back in the day.  This cover up is equally fabulous.  It's $245.

Here's a super cute option, without the DVF price tag.  It's La Blanca by Rod Beattie and is $65.  I think the color will look pretty by the ocean.

We hope you stay warm this weekend.  Make sure to visit us next week because I'm writing a series on how to look fab even while juggling a small monkey!  I think you will LOVE it!

Baby and Mommy Swimsuits!

I'm so annoyed.  It is cold again!  Maybe not cold to a lot of you, but I am a native Floridian, and temps in the 40's are simply unacceptable.

So Mommy Chick and I are thinking warm thoughts and planning our swimwear for spring.  We are thinking about doing a little beach weekend in April.  We haven't shared this with Daddy Dude yet, but we're sure he'll go for it.

I have a couple of options I like for myself.  Fortunately, I am long and lean so any style will work.  Did I mention I'm in the 95% for height and 50th for weight?  Put some rhinestone wings on me and call me Giselle!

This is by Juicy and it's $58.  The ruffles are good for adding a little to the bust line.

A little friend in MC's mommy group just got these rockin' shades by Baby Banz.  I like black.  They are classic and will work with any swimsuit.  They have a little strap so I won't have to worry about constantly adjusting them, which would definitely cut down on the chic factor.  You can look cool, too. for $20.

MC says the idea of wearing a swimsuit makes her want to play in traffic.  I don't know what that means.  

Although we still have a few months before our beach debut, she's pretty sure she'll be sporting a tankini or one piece, at least for the first part of the season.

Here is a hip tankini by Shoshanna.  The top is $145 and the bottoms are $58.  Remember when Shoshanna was like 12 years old and dating Jerry Seinfeld?  Me neither, because I wasn't born yet.

Tomorrow we'll talk about bikini's and cover-ups, although unless the Plastic Surgery Fairy visits, I'm pretty sure only one of us will be wearing a bikini.

We've Been Sick. Yuck.

Mommy Chick and I have been down and out with a respiratory virus.  The Monkey Baby Doctor originally thought I had RSV, so they stuck a big cotton swab in my nose and stole some boogers.  I guess they mailed the boogies somewhere where some person with a really crappy job looked at them.  The good news is that I don't have RSV.

I'm feeling quite a bit better.  MC is still not feeling so hot.  She should totally put some boobie milk in her coffee, because I really think it helped me get better faster.

Anyway, we made you a video as a peace offering for us having been away for a few days.


Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

Fake Eyelashes!

I'm pretty impressed with the way my eyelashes are growing.  When I first transitioned to the outside, I didn't have any lashes at all!  Mommy Chick accused me of being a trichotillomaniac in-utero.

Then I started seeing all these commercials with Brooke Shields laughing, and dancing, and drinking wine, all because she has great eyelashes.  So I ordered some Latisse and it's really doing the trick.  The website says it has some interesting side effects, like darkening of the iris.  And it seems like just about every drug these days causes anal leakage.  I for sure have that, but I don't think it is because of any drugs.

MC isn't as committed to her eyelashes as I am, so she uses fake ones.  In fact, she glued on fake lashes the day before I was due to launch from her womb.  She wore them for several days, but then was too tired to reapply them  after they finally fell off.  It was a nice effort though and I do appreciate that she wanted to look her best when we finally met.

You can find all sorts of super pricey fake lashes, and MC has tried them all.  But you know where you can get the most fab lashes?  At a drugstore!  MC uses Ardell Fashion Lashes number 116.  They are still lush without making you look like Snuffalufagus.

These are $3.49, but right now you can do a BOGO on Drugstore.com.  That deal does include lash glue.  But if you want to go hardcore lash diva, use weave bond.  That's what drag queens do.

You're welcome.

I'm Sick. Try Elderberry.

I am totally the Katie Couric of baby bloggers, taking you guys inside my health care.  Well, not inside, literally, like Katie did, but close enough.

I have a bit of a cough, so that's me having the doctor listen to my breathing.  Mommy Chick thinks the doctor is kind of hot.  Do you know why?  Because that is Daddy Dude!  I bet I totally tricked you and you were hoping you were about to read about some sort of scandal.  See, even when I'm sick, I have a sense of humor.

DD was checking me out to see if I should go see my Monkey Baby Doctor.  DD is one of those doctors that moves around the bones in your back and neck. Weird, huh?  Sometimes MC wishes he was a plastic surgeon, so she could go all tranny looking like Heidi Montag.

But instead of injecting botulism in our faces, we have straight spines and live holistically hopped up on herbs and vitamins.  Our Monkey Baby Doctor is very holistic, too.  So right now, I'm taking elderberry.  Have you heard about it?  I won't bore you, but it is great for kicking viral infections.

This is the kind I take.  It's called Eldertussin Elderberry Syrup.  It's $9.99 for four ounces and it tastes like dessert.

You can get other brands at natural health stores.  Just make sure it does not have echinachea (so says the Monkey Baby Doctor).   She says it can induce a “cytokine” storm (a domino affect of inflammatory hormones) that can make the illness worse.  I hate storms.

And don't do what MC did.  She didn't feel like going to the herb store to get our normal brand, so she grabbed some at the grocery store.  We got home with it and realized it is 40% grain alcohol.  Oops.

I'm off to rest now.  MC is exhausting me between steaming me in the shower and vaporizing me with essential oils.

Oh, here's a little gem I'll leave you with this afternoon:  I barfed on Piglet.  I think he's mad at me now.

I Almost Know Adam Lambert!

                                         

See that picture?  I'm the one in the middle, under the blue, green and yellow maxi dress.  I call it "lymon."  That's Eugene on the left.  He is a big TV star in Miami, but is irrelevant to this story.  He's really handsome, though.  Do you like Mommy Chick's bronze hoop earrings?  If so, you can have them.  I've issued a "no dangly earrings" policy.  It's not so much a policy, I suppose, but rather an "if you don't want bloody ears from me ripping out your earrings" policy.  

But back to the picture.  On the right is Ron.  He's kind of fabulous, huh?

Now scroll down and you will see just how fabulous he is...

He is Glambert fabulous!  I am bitter with a capital B!  Things like this only happen to Ron.  He was out enjoying his glamourous NYC life when he runs into Adam Lambert and crew!  I don't think I would be as jealous if Glambert were wearing an Old Navy hoodie and a Hair Cuttery 'do.  But here he is, in all his smokey-eyed, flat-ironed glory.  I even detect a subtle day gloss on his perfect lips.  I also sense a bit of highlighter atop his cheek bone.  Not that I've looked at this photo a million times, imagining myself snuggled up next to him.

There are so many things I would have shared with him, like how Mommy Chick cried when he lost American Idol, or how I don't see why making out with your keyboardist on TV is that big of a deal.

But really, I want to know where the heck he was in the crappy new "We Are the World" song.  Really, Vince Vaughn is belting awkwardly in the back row, but no Adam Lambert?  Really? No Lady Gaga?  No Justin Timberlake?

And then, I would commend Glambert for observing my protocol and wearing a nice, stud earring and a necklace so inviting for teething.

Part 4 of 100 Things About Me

How much do you love this series?  Here is the final piece of the 100 Things About Me puzzle:

76.  I have two feet.
77.  I like to grab them.
78.  My toes are so long that I could probably hang from trees by them.
79.  My favorite tv show is Little Miss Perfect.
80.  I met Mr. Michael while in Mommy Chick's tummy.
81.  He offered to spray tan me for my hospital headshot.
82.  I have two boyfriends.
83.  One is older and one is younger.
84.  I am a cougar.
85.  I like boobies.
86.  Someday I'm going to buy myself a big pair.
87.  Genetics are not on my side to grow a big pair.
88.  I have three stuffed animal Piglets.
89.  I think Piglet is the most underrated Disney character.
90.  That makes me angry.
91.  I am the youngest member of my city's gay chorus.
92.  MC and I are on their Board of Directors.
93.  MC's wish for me is to grow up accepting of lifestyles different than my own.
94.  Unless stupidity counts as a lifestyle.
95.   I was in the hospital for 10 days after I was born with pneumonia.
96.  I kicked its a$$ in about three days.
97.  Now we really know each day is a gift.
98.  We strive to live fabulously every day.
99.  We love each other so much.
100.  And we love that you take time to read our blog.  Thank you!  

Part 3 of 100 Things About Me

More fascinating facts:

51.  My favorite look is skinny jeans.
52.  I have two pair.
53.  I don't have eyebrows.
54.  Or much hair.
55.  My limited hair was light brown when I was born.
56.  Now it is turning blonde.
57.  I love big hair accessories.
58.  I'm often mistaken for a boy.
59.  I was even called "big guy" while wearing a pink shirt and bib.
60.  Mommy Chick and I love Tori Spelling's kid clothing line.
61.  We get mad when people say Tori Spelling is ugly.
62.  I love to take baths.
63.  I love to toot in my bath.
64.  It turns the tub into a jacuzzi.
65.  I'm happy my daddy makes money so MC can stay home with me and make milk.
66.  Sometimes she threatens to go back to work and leave me.
67.  I know she is bluffing.
68.  MC used to have a job talking on TV.
69.  Now she talks to me all day.
70.  Sometimes I wish she would shut her trap.
71.  I have a Fairy Godfather.
72.  His name is Frank.
73.  I have a Guncle.
74.  His name is Chris.
75.  He smells like coconuts.

Part 2 of 100 Things about Me!

Here is the next installment of my riveting series:

26.  My favorite actor is the green snake on Baby Einstein.

27.  My favorite color is yellow.

28.  I like to read Fancy Nancy books.

29.  I am quite fancy myself.

30.  My first concert was the Britney Circus tour.

31.  I was still in utero.

32.  I was at her famous "wardrobe malfunction" concert.

33.  I also saw Kathy Griffin while in utero.

34.  I poop in my pants.

35.  At my four month appointment, I was 26 inches tall.

36.  I like to call it 2'2".

37.  That puts me in the 95th percentile for height.

38.  I'm in the 50th percentile for weight.

39.  I know you are jealous.

40.  And I think that is OK.

41.  My main food is boobie milk.

42.  I eat real food, too.

43.  Daddy Dude makes homemade organic baby food.

44.  My favorites are sweet potatoes and apples.

45.  When I spit up sweet potatoes, it is orange.

46.  I like to spit up in Mommy Chick's hair.

47.  She doesn't think it is funny.

48.  I don't have any teeth.

49.  But I have pretty pink gums.

50.  I would like to get a diamond grill.

My 100th Post!

Wow, I am amazed that my limited verbal skills have allowed me to be such a prolific blogger.  In the spirit of my 100th post, here is Part 1 of 100 Things About Me!

1.  I was born on 9/20/09 at 2:01 a.m.
2.  Mommy Chick and I labored for 21 hours.
3.  MC pushed for 2 1/2 hours.
4.  I was face up, so had a little trouble slipping out the door.
5.  We used Hypnobirthing.
6.  Yeah, that means no epidural, no drugs, no nothing.
7.  I believe drugs are for painful things, like plastic surgery, not for natural processes like birthing monkey babies.
8.  My middle name, Mae, is after two of my great, great aunts and my great, great grandmother.
9.  MC and Daddy Dude did not name me until I was about 12 hours old.
10. In addition to Monkey, the other names they liked were Victoria, Lila, and Landry.
11.  MC begged to name me Harlow.
12.  DD says Harlow is not a real name.
13.  I say tell that to Nicole Richie.
14.  When I lived in MC's tummy, I made her puke a lot.
15.  The longest she went without hurling was 17 days.
16.  She complained a lot, but I say be grateful for the 17 day puke vaycay.
17.  I have two dogs.
18.  The big brown one is my favorite.
19.  I have two cats.
20.  One weighs 23 pounds.
21.  That is after his year-long diet.
22.  When I was still on the inside, MC use to tell me Justin Timberlake was my father.
23.  JT is not my father.
24.  That's probably good, because he is very short.
25.  And his hair genetics are not so great.

Valentine's Day, Juicy Stroller and Elin Woods

This is my first V-Day on the outside.  Last year at this time I was the size of a cumquat living in Mommy Chick's tummy.

MC and I went to the mall looking for Daddy Dude something fabulous.  We love to shop in what we call the "gay section" of the Macys men's department.  You know how we know it's the gay section?

This is how we know:  skinny jeans and a canary yellow cardigan.  DD would totally rock this Jonas Brothers look if MC wanted him to, but she tries to use her power for good, not evil.

We didn't go to just any mall...we went to the really fabulous mall.  You know, the one that has all the luxury stores, but that is not even the best part.  Not only is this the mall where Tiger Woods allegedly hooked up with pancake waitresses at the Blue Martini, but this is the mall where his beautiful wife, Elin, is often spotted shopping! 

I was prepared to possibly run into her, and then she and MC would become best friends.  I wore my little Trumpette Mary Jane Socks as to make a good first impression.

Anyway, Elin didn't get to meet us today.  But you know what we did see?  The Maclaren Juicy Couture stroller, live and in action!  It had a real baby in it and everything.  The baby was crying and clearly did not appreciate the glory in which his mother was pushing him.

Yep, him.  It was a toddler boy zipping around the mall in this yummy, pink stroller.  I'm so not judging, but I think the look would be complete with some skinny jeans and a little guyliner.

V-Day Spoiler Alert for Daddy Dude

This is my present for Daddy Dude.  If you know him, do not ruin his surprise.  I did not run all over town dressed like Pepto Bismol for you to go and let the cat out of the bag.  Got it?

Do you think he'll like it?

I like the flower on my head because it is subtle, kind of like good plastic surgery where instead of looking "pulled" you just look "rested."

Look What I Can Do!

Snort like a piggy!  Sometimes I do this when I am happy.  And let me tell you, it is a real crowd pleaser.  I would go as far to say that people go crazy when I do this.

I tried it out at home before I took it to the masses.  You know what happened the first time I looked at Mommy Chick and snorted?  She totally freaked out and thought I couldn't breathe.  She whisked me onto my little couture changing table and shoved a boogie sucker up my nose.  Imagine her surprise when it was a clean sweep.

Thank goodness Daddy Dude figured out that I was just snorting for fun.  The best part is, now all the adults look like fools because they snort back at me.

I sense this may become a bit socially awkward for us all soon.

Dear Peg Perego

Perhaps you have not heard of me.  I am the Amazing Never Sleeping Baby.  At just four months old, I can and do regularly stay awake for 12 or 13 hours.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a little power nap here and there, but that's it.

Mommy Chick and I have your Pliko P3 Travel System.  MC isn't such a big fan.  And this is Reason #428 why she doesn't love it:

This is a Tall Starbucks coffee. You're kidding me, right?  That's what first graders drink.  It barely fits into the cup holder.  Do you really think 12 ounces of coffee is enough to fuel a sleep deprived Mommy?  That's like one ounce for every hour I'm awake.

Please create a cup holder suitable for a Venti.

Respectfully Yours,

Monkey Mae

Keep Warm While Looking Fab!

Don't judge me.  I know most of you are digging out from 752 inches of snow.  But I'm a native Floridian, and anything less than 60 degrees down here warrants an Action News investigation of "how to not die in the cold or murder your orange trees or accidentally freeze your dog to the sidewalk."

Yesterday Mommy Chick and I were hibernating in the house.  We started getting a little stir crazy, so MC pulled up some fancy weather website to see if we would survive a walk.  Even though she is a recovering meteorologist, she wasn't sure if conditions were safe.  

So we called Auntie Dill, who lives in the land of sub-freezing wind chill indices.

MC:  Do you think it's safe to take Monkey Mae out?  The wind chill is 47.

AD:  Really?  We have seven inches of snow and below zero wind chill.  I don't feel sorry for you.

So off we went, double layered.  I'm wearing my Baby Gap sweater, similar to this one:

I finished off the look with a monkey fleece blanket, similar to this:

We had a super fab walk, until some old lady lectured MC about how I was going to get a runny nose from the cold.  Floridians are such wimps.

Juicy Stroller Lust

Today Mommy Chick and I went to Macro Baby.  We decided to buy an Ergo carrier.  Because I am Super Model Tall now, I'm having trouble visiting the boobie buffet in my current sling.  Several fab mommies recommended the Ergo, so we'll give it a whirl and report back to you.  We opted for chocolate brown to bring out my eyes.  An added bonus is that our dog who sheds the most is brown, so maybe his fur can be incognito on this carrier.

Have I ever told you how much MC and I hate our stroller, uh, "travel system," I mean?  I have learned so many colorful words listening to MC load and unload it from the car.  Sometimes we leave the stroller on the porch after our walks, but so far, no one has taken the bait and stolen it.

I will give you a hint who makes our travel system:  It starts with "p" and ends with "eg perego."

Since I am big enough to sit in a smaller stroller, we are looking at options.  MC almost spewed her Starbucks when she feasted her eyes upon this beauty:

It is a Maclaren Baby Juicy stroller!  Supposedly, I could chill in it until I reach 55 pounds.  Here's the catch.  It's $450.  I'm thinking that might be a hard sell to Daddy Dude, especially since he wants to use our strollers for my future siblings.  He hopes I have a brother someday, but MC and I want a girl named Harlow, so really, we can't afford not to get this stroller.

We owe it to Harlow.

Grammy Fashion, Britney and Kathy Griffin

I managed to catch some of the Grammys last night.  I'm kind of ticked that no one told me I'd needed 3d glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute.  I tried to convince Daddy Dude to run to Target to get some, but that was a no go.

I imagine you have been eagerly awaiting my fashion wrap up.  I have Baby Einstein on pause, so we'll make this quick.  It's on my favorite scene right now, a picture of a big red apple.

Anyway, Britney, why do you break my heart?  I'm not sure what this is.  It appears to be a black onesie with a sheer burp cloth as a skirt.

Getty

I don't care what anyone says about Britney.  I love her.  I love her crazy.  I lover her skinny. I love her bald. I love her fat.  I am a true fan, so much so that I went to her Circus concert last February.  I had only been in Mommy Chick's tummy about 14 weeks.  MC sat in the arena, eating saltines and clutching a puke bag.  But it was so worth it! 

Wanna know why?  We were at the concert.  You know, the one where she had the wardrobe malfunction and said the P word when she thought her mic was off!  After that, I had to grow up pretty fast.

Moving on, I think Kathy Griffin looked fabulous.

Getty

I also saw her live while in utero.  I was so excited, I posed for a picture during the show.  It's a bird's eye view of me in my seat.  DD thought MC was laughing so hard that I might come out right there.

That's actually what MC was hoping for, because she knew that would be her ticket to appearing on the D-List.  And then we would probably be invited to regulars on the show and eventually spin off into our own series.  But looking back on it, stardom would probably suck, so I'm glad we can go to story time without the paparazzi.