Fake Eyelashes!

I'm pretty impressed with the way my eyelashes are growing.  When I first transitioned to the outside, I didn't have any lashes at all!  Mommy Chick accused me of being a trichotillomaniac in-utero.

Then I started seeing all these commercials with Brooke Shields laughing, and dancing, and drinking wine, all because she has great eyelashes.  So I ordered some Latisse and it's really doing the trick.  The website says it has some interesting side effects, like darkening of the iris.  And it seems like just about every drug these days causes anal leakage.  I for sure have that, but I don't think it is because of any drugs.

MC isn't as committed to her eyelashes as I am, so she uses fake ones.  In fact, she glued on fake lashes the day before I was due to launch from her womb.  She wore them for several days, but then was too tired to reapply them  after they finally fell off.  It was a nice effort though and I do appreciate that she wanted to look her best when we finally met.

You can find all sorts of super pricey fake lashes, and MC has tried them all.  But you know where you can get the most fab lashes?  At a drugstore!  MC uses Ardell Fashion Lashes number 116.  They are still lush without making you look like Snuffalufagus.

These are $3.49, but right now you can do a BOGO on Drugstore.com.  That deal does include lash glue.  But if you want to go hardcore lash diva, use weave bond.  That's what drag queens do.

You're welcome.

I'm Sick. Try Elderberry.

I am totally the Katie Couric of baby bloggers, taking you guys inside my health care.  Well, not inside, literally, like Katie did, but close enough.

I have a bit of a cough, so that's me having the doctor listen to my breathing.  Mommy Chick thinks the doctor is kind of hot.  Do you know why?  Because that is Daddy Dude!  I bet I totally tricked you and you were hoping you were about to read about some sort of scandal.  See, even when I'm sick, I have a sense of humor.

DD was checking me out to see if I should go see my Monkey Baby Doctor.  DD is one of those doctors that moves around the bones in your back and neck. Weird, huh?  Sometimes MC wishes he was a plastic surgeon, so she could go all tranny looking like Heidi Montag.

But instead of injecting botulism in our faces, we have straight spines and live holistically hopped up on herbs and vitamins.  Our Monkey Baby Doctor is very holistic, too.  So right now, I'm taking elderberry.  Have you heard about it?  I won't bore you, but it is great for kicking viral infections.

This is the kind I take.  It's called Eldertussin Elderberry Syrup.  It's $9.99 for four ounces and it tastes like dessert.

You can get other brands at natural health stores.  Just make sure it does not have echinachea (so says the Monkey Baby Doctor).   She says it can induce a “cytokine” storm (a domino affect of inflammatory hormones) that can make the illness worse.  I hate storms.

And don't do what MC did.  She didn't feel like going to the herb store to get our normal brand, so she grabbed some at the grocery store.  We got home with it and realized it is 40% grain alcohol.  Oops.

I'm off to rest now.  MC is exhausting me between steaming me in the shower and vaporizing me with essential oils.

Oh, here's a little gem I'll leave you with this afternoon:  I barfed on Piglet.  I think he's mad at me now.

I Almost Know Adam Lambert!

                                         

See that picture?  I'm the one in the middle, under the blue, green and yellow maxi dress.  I call it "lymon."  That's Eugene on the left.  He is a big TV star in Miami, but is irrelevant to this story.  He's really handsome, though.  Do you like Mommy Chick's bronze hoop earrings?  If so, you can have them.  I've issued a "no dangly earrings" policy.  It's not so much a policy, I suppose, but rather an "if you don't want bloody ears from me ripping out your earrings" policy.  

But back to the picture.  On the right is Ron.  He's kind of fabulous, huh?

Now scroll down and you will see just how fabulous he is...

He is Glambert fabulous!  I am bitter with a capital B!  Things like this only happen to Ron.  He was out enjoying his glamourous NYC life when he runs into Adam Lambert and crew!  I don't think I would be as jealous if Glambert were wearing an Old Navy hoodie and a Hair Cuttery 'do.  But here he is, in all his smokey-eyed, flat-ironed glory.  I even detect a subtle day gloss on his perfect lips.  I also sense a bit of highlighter atop his cheek bone.  Not that I've looked at this photo a million times, imagining myself snuggled up next to him.

There are so many things I would have shared with him, like how Mommy Chick cried when he lost American Idol, or how I don't see why making out with your keyboardist on TV is that big of a deal.

But really, I want to know where the heck he was in the crappy new "We Are the World" song.  Really, Vince Vaughn is belting awkwardly in the back row, but no Adam Lambert?  Really? No Lady Gaga?  No Justin Timberlake?

And then, I would commend Glambert for observing my protocol and wearing a nice, stud earring and a necklace so inviting for teething.

Part 4 of 100 Things About Me

How much do you love this series?  Here is the final piece of the 100 Things About Me puzzle:

76.  I have two feet.
77.  I like to grab them.
78.  My toes are so long that I could probably hang from trees by them.
79.  My favorite tv show is Little Miss Perfect.
80.  I met Mr. Michael while in Mommy Chick's tummy.
81.  He offered to spray tan me for my hospital headshot.
82.  I have two boyfriends.
83.  One is older and one is younger.
84.  I am a cougar.
85.  I like boobies.
86.  Someday I'm going to buy myself a big pair.
87.  Genetics are not on my side to grow a big pair.
88.  I have three stuffed animal Piglets.
89.  I think Piglet is the most underrated Disney character.
90.  That makes me angry.
91.  I am the youngest member of my city's gay chorus.
92.  MC and I are on their Board of Directors.
93.  MC's wish for me is to grow up accepting of lifestyles different than my own.
94.  Unless stupidity counts as a lifestyle.
95.   I was in the hospital for 10 days after I was born with pneumonia.
96.  I kicked its a$$ in about three days.
97.  Now we really know each day is a gift.
98.  We strive to live fabulously every day.
99.  We love each other so much.
100.  And we love that you take time to read our blog.  Thank you!  

Part 3 of 100 Things About Me

More fascinating facts:

51.  My favorite look is skinny jeans.
52.  I have two pair.
53.  I don't have eyebrows.
54.  Or much hair.
55.  My limited hair was light brown when I was born.
56.  Now it is turning blonde.
57.  I love big hair accessories.
58.  I'm often mistaken for a boy.
59.  I was even called "big guy" while wearing a pink shirt and bib.
60.  Mommy Chick and I love Tori Spelling's kid clothing line.
61.  We get mad when people say Tori Spelling is ugly.
62.  I love to take baths.
63.  I love to toot in my bath.
64.  It turns the tub into a jacuzzi.
65.  I'm happy my daddy makes money so MC can stay home with me and make milk.
66.  Sometimes she threatens to go back to work and leave me.
67.  I know she is bluffing.
68.  MC used to have a job talking on TV.
69.  Now she talks to me all day.
70.  Sometimes I wish she would shut her trap.
71.  I have a Fairy Godfather.
72.  His name is Frank.
73.  I have a Guncle.
74.  His name is Chris.
75.  He smells like coconuts.

Part 2 of 100 Things about Me!

Here is the next installment of my riveting series:

26.  My favorite actor is the green snake on Baby Einstein.

27.  My favorite color is yellow.

28.  I like to read Fancy Nancy books.

29.  I am quite fancy myself.

30.  My first concert was the Britney Circus tour.

31.  I was still in utero.

32.  I was at her famous "wardrobe malfunction" concert.

33.  I also saw Kathy Griffin while in utero.

34.  I poop in my pants.

35.  At my four month appointment, I was 26 inches tall.

36.  I like to call it 2'2".

37.  That puts me in the 95th percentile for height.

38.  I'm in the 50th percentile for weight.

39.  I know you are jealous.

40.  And I think that is OK.

41.  My main food is boobie milk.

42.  I eat real food, too.

43.  Daddy Dude makes homemade organic baby food.

44.  My favorites are sweet potatoes and apples.

45.  When I spit up sweet potatoes, it is orange.

46.  I like to spit up in Mommy Chick's hair.

47.  She doesn't think it is funny.

48.  I don't have any teeth.

49.  But I have pretty pink gums.

50.  I would like to get a diamond grill.

My 100th Post!

Wow, I am amazed that my limited verbal skills have allowed me to be such a prolific blogger.  In the spirit of my 100th post, here is Part 1 of 100 Things About Me!

1.  I was born on 9/20/09 at 2:01 a.m.
2.  Mommy Chick and I labored for 21 hours.
3.  MC pushed for 2 1/2 hours.
4.  I was face up, so had a little trouble slipping out the door.
5.  We used Hypnobirthing.
6.  Yeah, that means no epidural, no drugs, no nothing.
7.  I believe drugs are for painful things, like plastic surgery, not for natural processes like birthing monkey babies.
8.  My middle name, Mae, is after two of my great, great aunts and my great, great grandmother.
9.  MC and Daddy Dude did not name me until I was about 12 hours old.
10. In addition to Monkey, the other names they liked were Victoria, Lila, and Landry.
11.  MC begged to name me Harlow.
12.  DD says Harlow is not a real name.
13.  I say tell that to Nicole Richie.
14.  When I lived in MC's tummy, I made her puke a lot.
15.  The longest she went without hurling was 17 days.
16.  She complained a lot, but I say be grateful for the 17 day puke vaycay.
17.  I have two dogs.
18.  The big brown one is my favorite.
19.  I have two cats.
20.  One weighs 23 pounds.
21.  That is after his year-long diet.
22.  When I was still on the inside, MC use to tell me Justin Timberlake was my father.
23.  JT is not my father.
24.  That's probably good, because he is very short.
25.  And his hair genetics are not so great.