From Frump to FabuMommy! Step Away From the Mom Jeans

I get it, you don't have much time for yourself anymore.  Trust me, I hear Mommy Chick and her friends blabbering about this all the time, and trying to blame me.  That's why I've made it my mission to help you with From Frump to FabuMommy!  You can see the rest of my series here, here, here, and here.  Whew, that was a lot of linking.

Today, we're talking Mom Jeans!  Here's a hint:  If you don't know what Mom Jeans are, then you are probably wearing some right now.  I haven't actually done a study on this, but I hypothesize that the process of evicting a Monkey Baby from your tummy causes some mommies to unknowingly sabotage their own appearance.

I want you to go to a mirror right now.  Ok, turn around at look at your butt.  Mine is cute and tiny and soft.

• Add one point for every inch your waistband comes above your natural waist
• Add three points if there is elastic of any kind on the waistband
• Add two points for a tummy control panel
• Add one point if you can see your socks
• Add two points if your back pockets start within three inches of your waistband
• Add two points if the leg is tapered, but you are not in a skinny jean (or MC Hammer pants)
• Get under your bed and do not come out if you are wearing maternity jeans more than eight weeks post partum (three extra weeks if you had a c-section)

How did you do?  If you have a score of three or more, then you are wearing Mom Jeans.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.

And lucky for you, MC and I love to read other blogs.  One of our fav's is Grasping For Objectivity in My Subjective Life.  It is super funny.  Thank goodness I was wearing a diaper when I read Rachel's post on Mom Jeans.  Otherwise, I would have peed on the Boppy.

This is perhaps the most in-depth investigation of this phenomena I have witnessed in my five months on Earth.  The only thing missing is a black light, or maybe Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC popping out of the dressing room.

If you are a visual learner like me (I love Baby Einstein), then I think this will drive the point home.  Rachel obviously wants to help us, because she posted pictures like the one below.  That is true selflessness.

Grasping For Objectivity in My Subjective Life

So put on your Pampers, go here, and prepare to hit the mall.

I'll see you later today with our recommendations for Non-Mom Jeans in every budget.

From Frump to FabuMommy! Dressing the Part

Are you loving my series?  I do hope you are looking more and more fabulous by the day.  If you haven't already, make sure to check out The Three Minute Face, as well as Part 1 and Part 2 of my visit from the Hair Guru.

So you are wearing appropriately glossed lips and a stylin' ponytail.  But you just ruined the whole package by putting on sweats two sizes too big!

My logic skills are not yet fully developed.  However, I do kind of follow your reasoning.  Mommy Chick is obviously trying to give me body issues already, because I overhear her telling her friends she "feels fat."  Dr. Phil says mommies should not talk about weight in front of their Bald Monkey Babies, so I hope she knocks it off before I start talking out loud.

As usual, I digress.  You "feel fat" so you try to hide it with large clothes.  Congratulations!  You just added bulk to your body!

MC used to be the Queen of Wearing Clothes Too Big For Her.  Thank goodness My Fairy Godfather pointed it out to her.  He is an Entertainment Manager at this really big park that features rodents.  He is also a Big Deal pageant/modeling coach and loves to do wardrobe consultations.  He has also danced with Christina Aguilera.  Even more impressive, he used to dance inside a Barney costume.  Knowing the inner workings of the "industry" has really robbed me of my childhood.

Here we are after a Gay Chorus concert.  MC and I don't sing.  We are not allowed. (BTW...MC is wearing the Three Minute Face here.  I am wearing The Annoyed Get Me the Heck Out of Here Face).

So here are My Fairy Godfather's Top 5 Wardrobe Commandments:

1. Wear clothes that fit and actually touch your body.
2. Remember, the size tag is on the inside, so don't worry if you don't like the number.
3. Always wear earrings.  It gives a more polished look. (You might have a Bald Monkey Baby who likes to pull earrings, so just wear studs.  That's what MC does now.)
4. Buy basic pieces and add fabulous accessories, like a cute belt or pair of leopard print shoes.
5. No Mom Jeans!

Remember, it takes the same amount of time to slide into unflattering clothes as it does to slip into something sassy!

So how do you know if you're wearing Mom Jeans?  MC and I found the most AMAZING Mom Jean tutorial.  We will share it with you tomorrow and will also tell you how to look super cute in work out wear.

Vintage is Delicious

I love to combine old and new!  Check out this yummy little green ensemble.  The cardigan is vintage.  Not only is it chic, but it is tasty, too.  I also have a yellow one.  They were gifts for Mommy Chick when she was a Bald Monkey Baby!  Actually, she wasn't bald.  She had hair like Adam Lambert.  See...I have photographic evidence.  Keep your comments about my Nana's stylin' plaid couch to yourself.

  I've paired my vintage cardigan with cute little yoga pants and a matching top from  The Children's Place.  They are on sale for $5 right now and come in oodles of fun colors!  I picked up three pair yesterday and consider them a nice basic for my day wear collection.  I wouldn't wear them to dinner with Kim Kardashian should I be invited, but they are perfect for casual events.

Here's how they look in action at the park.  I'm kind of getting the hang of this swing thing.  Notice how the bell sleeves of my sweater catch the wind, just like an Olympic ski jumper, or whatever they are called.

I will give you fair warning, however, that you might be mistaken for a boy in this outfit.  A nice lady stopped MC today and exclaimed, "He (sic) so handsome!"  I guess that is better than the "Hey big fella," I got a few weeks ago.

From Frump to FabuMommy: A Visit From the Hair Guru Part 2

Is your ponytail appropriately positioned?  If you're not sure, check out Part 1 of A Visit From the Hair Guru.  I would hate for you to be running around looking all Martina Navratilova and not know it.

Arnie Owens, Hair Guru to Many FabuMommies, is back to discuss the foundation of your FabuHair:  cut and color.  I anticipate needing a haircut sometime in 2012.  You will probably need one sooner.  Mommy Chick gets some trim action about every eight weeks.

MC would love to go more often, but apparently it is illegal to crate me with boobie milk in one of those hamster bottles.  So she needs to maximize the life of her cut.  You can, too!

"So many factors such as length, texture (fine, medium, coarse), curly, wavey, or straight hair, and density (thin, normal, or thick hair). In general, I think that a cut with a nominal amount of layering and texturizing would be the most flattering and last the longest." Arnie says.


Notice what he didn't say is the most flattering.


"I think the Mom Bob is the biggest hair mistake I seem women make."


I am offering this old school pic of MC, circa 2003, as an example of a Mom-ish bob.  She is the one on the right.  If your hair is shaped like a bell, then it might be a Mom Bob.  This is right after MC began growing out her hair because my Fairy Godfather told her to.  She will be embarrassed that I showed you this.  BTW, that baby is my friend, Brendan, who is BFF's with Patrick Dempsey.

;

This next part is for you with the all one-shade yellow hair and weirdly-spaced highlights.  I'm only five months old, but I can totally tell you do your own color.  I know Beyonce prances around on TV talking about her multi-prismatic hair, but I'll bet my "ring on it" that Beyonce has never colored her own hair.

And neither should you.  Arnie says if you can't afford professional hair color, then you are going to the wrong salon.

"Seriously, professional hair color can be cost effective if the client communicates clearly with the stylist what they are looking for as far as color and maintenance, and they need to listen when the stylist gives them options. Hair color comes in some many different forms that a good stylist can find a color and color technique for almost every client."

For example, MC only gets full color two or three times a year.  In between, Arnie gives her either a partial foil or this magical little thing called "breaking the base."  It's very cost effective and keeps her blondalicious, the way God and Vidal Sassoon intended.

Do you have a question for Arnie?  Leave it in the comments.

From Frump to FabuMommy: A Visit From the Hair Guru!

Have you ever set your hair on fire?  Mommy Chick sent her locks up in flames less than a month before her fabulous Hawaiian wedding!  She still gets a little defensive about it, so I'm not completely clear on all the details.


But the gist is, she was practicing making big tousled waves.  So naturally she cranked her curling iron up to 500 degrees.  And oh yeah, she then blasted an alcohol-based spray onto her hair.  Ooops.


Anyway, my point is that this could have been a big, fat crisis.  I mean she burned off a huge chunk of her sweepy bang, and the flames (yes, actual flames) left behind orange stripes.  But it wasn't a crisis because MC has the most amazing hair guru!  He erased all traces of her Tony the Tiger hair!

And today the amazing Arnie Owens is our very special guest star!  I was a little afraid he would judge me because I am bald and therefore decline my request.   You can learn all about Arnie here.

Yesterday we talked about the Three Minute Face.  So today, Arnie tells us how you have great hair with limited time.


So if you only have 10 minutes to spend, what should you do?

"Do something to keep it from being frizzy like adding a light spray of shine spray or a small drop of gloss drops. If you have bangs of any sort, blowdry and style them."

We all know mommies dig ponytails, and MC is no exception.  First, it's quick.  Second, it makes it harder for me to pull or puke in.  So how do you make it sassy rather than gym teacher-esque?

"Consider running a very large barrel curling iron through the pony tail, it will smooth it and gives the ends just a little bend. Keep the sides and top soft looking by using a working hairspray versus a hard hold spray," Arnie says.


He adds that a ponytail should never be lower than the occipital bone.  So shoot for the middle of your head.  And skip the bobby pins holding in stray pieces.  He actually shuddered when I asked him that.


So why no low ponytail?


"Have you ever seen Barbie in a low ponytail?" he asks.


Coming up later today, Arnie tells us how to find the best cut and why you can afford professional hair color.

From Frump to FabuMommy: Three Minute Face!

I am such a lucky Bald Monkey Baby!  Today we have our first ever special guest star on Monkey Mae Says!  It's kind of like how Charo was always a guest star on The Love Boat, except we promise today's guest star will not say "cuchi cuchi."

We're happy Mr. George T. Reed joins us to chat about make up and putting your best face forward!  Mommy Chick met Georgie back when she used to get paid to talk on TV.  In fact, one of the first things George ever said to MC was, "Gal, you need to darken your eyebrows."

George works with the Miss America Organization.  Here is a little snapshot for you.  He is on the far right.  He's there with Miss Kentucky, who was fourth runner-up this year.  George painted her for the pageant.  That's my Auntie Cocoa, Ericka Dunlap, Miss Amercia 2004.  George also does her face.

Now I totally get that you don't want to walk around all red-lipped and fake lashed in the pick up line at pre-school.  So here's the deal...take THREE MINUTES and make yourself look fab.

"Just put a light crease in your eye, swipe on two coats of mascara, darken your brows a bit and finish with a sheer lip gloss," George says.

What should you avoid?

"I see moms running around in way too many frosted eye colors," says George.

Got that?  Ix-nay on the ost-fray.

If you want to get all crazy and take an extra 20 seconds, use a nice dual finish powder.  Lancome makes a great one.  MC has used it for about 15 years.  Sometimes I lick her face and it doesn't taste too bad.

Here are a few other products we like.  Clinique makes a pretty eyeshadow trio for $22.  MC uses Blushing Nude.  Milani makes the dreamiest lipgloss you will ever taste wear.  And is super cheap.  You can order online or buy it at a drugstore.  Seriously, it's amazing and is only $3.49.  Think of all the extra money you can put in your monkey's college fund (or plastic surgery fund...we're not judging)!

And drum roll please...this, George says, is the product every mommy must have:  Maybelline Great Lash.

MC is not a proponent of the Cry it Out method, but does let me fuss so she can have time to do her face.  Here's a little something George wants you to ponder if you claim you can't spare three minutes for yourself.

"Do you really have time to go through life looking like a mess?"

Tomorrow we talk hair and we'll find out what type of ponytail Barbie would never wear (and neither should you).

From Frump to FabuMommy!

Happy Monday!  I'm celebrating the beginning of March with a series: From Frump to FabuMommy.  Way back when I lived in MC's big, round belly, I would eavesdrop on all of her conversations.  You would not believe some of the stuff I heard!  I could write several series based on that alone.


But what I really noticed is that women who already had babies on the outside would tell MC how she would stop looking fabulous after I came out.  They'd say things like:


"Enjoy going to the salon now, because you'll never go again after you have your baby."
"You'll probably cut your hair short soon because it's so much easier."
"You should try doing your own highlights because it saves time and money."


You know what I say to all of that?  It takes just as much time to look like poo as it does to look fab.   I know some of you probably don't believe me.  That's why I've interviewed a team of experts!


Coming up later today, I will tell you how to do your face in three minutes.  That's right, three minutes.  So stick your monkey in it's crate  crib and get to glossing those lips!


If you have a specific question about hair, make up or wardrobe, leave it in the comments and I'll send a Monkeygram to my experts.


See you soon.