I'm Practicing Being a Celebrity

Remember when Angelina Jolie won the Oscar for "Girl Interrupted"? She made out with her brother and then jumped into a pool fully dressed?

I'm practicing for when I take home an Academy Award. I'm so close to the end of my Infant Swimming Resource classes that I can just taste it.

Today, I went in fully clothed, even wearing funny white sandals. I felt just like an old man in Boca.

Ooohhhhh!

So a lot of you have asked why I'm slacking so much on blogging. Thank you for missing me when I'm not here. I miss you, too.

You know that Mommy Chick is my ghostwriter and general assistant. Now that I am crawling, I require her to trail closely behind me, pulling dog food out of my mouth and putting those little safety things in plugs. So there isn't a lot of sitting time.

I have so many fabulous posts in the works, so MC needs to get cracking.

In other news, I've totally helped MC shed the last of her preggo weight. I'm almost 10 months old, so it's about time, huh? Anyway, I'm like her own personal trainer, making her squat and lift me, crawl, run, you get it.

I vow to give her a few minutes daily to transcribe my wisdom for you.

I just spewed boobie milk all over the tile and need MC to clean it.

Happy Tuesday.

Wordless Wednesday: Surprise!

I'm an Excellent Driver

"We absolutely are stopping to ask for directions. You've already gotten us lost once. And if you don't stop grabbing the steering wheel, we will never get there!"

Keep Swimming!

Check me out! I can totally swim!

I'm still opting for my French Riviera swim look, which is cool since I train at a private facility.

My teacher, Miss Glenda, is going on vaycay, so I won't graduate until the week of the 12th. I imagine Miss Glenda will be doing lots of self-esteem building activities on her trip. It must be hard having all your clients cry when they see you.

I try to make her feel better by smiling and laughing at her after I get out of the pool. All I really want to do while in the pool is chillax on a float with a Boobie Colada.

But bossy ole Mommy Chick insists that I be able to swim, just in case I ever sneak away and swan dive into a pool.

Do you like the way I point my Monkey Toes?

Kissing Pigs and Purging Closets

Why am I sitting on a giant litter box? And why does that dirty water keep getting my piggies? I don't know if I like this whole vacation thing. Sigh.

Mommy Chick and I are back from a mini-beach vaycay. I'm happy to be home with my bad dogs, but I've been quite busy.

It seems that boobie milk is like Miracle Grow. That means I have a whole bunch of couture I can no longer wear. So MC and I are purging my closet to make room for new summer and fall fashion.

My Piglet doll and I are helping with The Great Purge of '10. He and I are BFF.

Please accept my apologies for MC's sub-par camera work. Apparently she is auditioning for the next Blair Witch Project.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday: Bob!

I'm a Mermaid

Sorry I've been away for a few days. This is a big week for me. I'm now just like Michael Phelps...if Michael Phelps wore pink swim panties and screamed each time he entered the pool.

Swimming takes a lot of my time. Ten minutes a day to be exact. I'm taking Infant Swimming Resource lessons. So basically, I'm learning how to save myself should I fall into some water.

I think Piglet should take lessons, too. He is a Shih Tzu and inherited MC's unfortunate athletic skills.

I've opted for the European-topless look while swimming. It simplifies my day. Most Americans are so uptight about such things. I'm glad my teacher is cool with my swim attire.

I think I might kind of be like the Wicked Witch of the West. Remember how water made her melt? I think water might be my kryptonite...it's interfering with my super power.

You'll recall my super power is the ability to fight sleep. I find myself napping more this week. I certainly hope that changes, because my staying awake for 14 hours is fun for everyone.

Creepy Bedtime Story

You'll never believe what happened last night! Mommy Chick read me a story about pigs. One of the pigs went to the grocery store, and I guess it made another pig mad, so he cried like a little baby pig. That's not even the weird part. MC's fingers turned into little pink pigs!

I mean, I've heard of people having sausage fingers. MC used to work for a man who had Vienna Sausages for digits. Or as some of the people from my Nana's hometown would say, "VEYE-eeenie Weenies." I cannot make up this stuff.

So if Jimmy Dean hands are your thing, check out this book. It is $9.35 at Amazon, which is a few bucks less than we paid somewhere else.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday Featuring Oliver the Cat

I Almost Know Kim Kardashian

How was your holiday weekend?  Mine was riveting.  I ate cold noodles and edamame directly off the table at a chain restaurant.  Don't worry, Mommy Chick cleaned the table before my feast.  I ate some chicken, too.  The protein gives my hair a lot of body and luster, or at least that is what MC says.

This is a picture of me with our friend, Fancy.  I'm under MC's yellow shirt.  This was last summer at Disney World.  We were in line for the Toy Story ride.  Geez, those Disney people were really picky about what I could ride in-utero.  Don't you think MC's pouty face distracts from her 7 1/2 month pregnant belly?  I do.

Now, check out what Fancy was doing this weekend while you were busy eating hot dogs on a lawn chair.

Are you jealous?  Because I'm totally not.  I think eating knock-off PF Changs is just as glamorous as walking the red carpet at the Indy 500.  Fancy said Kim is "tiny, gorgeous and sweet," just as we had always suspected.

She also said Kim's butt is pretty much a normal butt.  Sometimes I think I look a little like her when my panties are full.

Fancy keeps threatening to start a blog.  We hope she does, so we can continue being not jealous of all her celebrity encounters.

"Sex and the City" Inspired Bow

Have you seen "Sex and the City 2" yet?  Neither have we.  But we are super excited to see all the fun fashion and ridiculous storylines.

Do you ever poke around on Facebook?  Mommy Chick wastes way too much time there.  Daddy Dude is not on Facebook because it is "gay."  We agree...it is fun, sparkly, well dressed and fabulous.  That is what he meant by "gay," right?

Anyway, we saw this fierce bow on Sweet and Chic Bowique's page.  It is inspired by "Sex and the City"!

Look closely.  Those are shoes on the bow!  I need this to highlight my new platinum hair!

The bow is $4.99.  I know!  A total bargain, right?

Here's how to make it even more of a bargain:  Mention "I support our troops" in the note section of your order, and get 10% off anything purchased this weekend.  

Sale ends Monday at 11:59 p.m.

Gap Swim Sale!

Big shout out to Mama at Everyday Mama for alerting us to the $12 swimsuit sale at Baby Gap!

I opted for two looks, each featuring animal print.  Insert animal growling sound here.

The first is a one-shoulder giraffe print one piece, regularly $20.

And here is a fabulous zebra print tankini, also regularly $20.

Listen up, baby boys!  If you really want to impress your lady friend, sport these sea horse trunks.  Did you know male sea horses have babies and then stay home with them while the girl sea horses play golf and drink beer?  It's true.  So if you wear these, your lady will know that you are really dedicated!

Baby Gap's online sale runs through June 2nd.

Preparing for the Holiday Weekend

Do you have plans for the big holiday weekend? I'm not sure what is on our agenda. However, I don't want to be caught off guard for any last-minute beach, boat or pool outings. So Mommy Chick and I spray tanned. We really do love Mystic Tan. MC is naturally alabaster, but Mystic makes her a nice shade of ecru.

If you don't have time to stand naked in front of the sprayers, we also really dig Neutrogena MicroMist self tanner.  Make sure you get the mist instead of the lotion or spray.  We find anything other than the mist streaks.  MC buys two shades darker than her natural, translucent color.



We're hitting Macy's today in search of a swimsuit for me.  I'm starting swim lessons soon and need to look good while I scream.  I'll let you know what we score.

I'm pretty sure I can pull off a bikini.  Wish us luck!

Wordless Wednesday: Asleep on the Job

I've Gone Primal!

Look! I'm eating roasted chicken. Not only is it yummy, but it makes a nice facial mask.

Mommy Chick is pretty excited because Operation Melt Baby Fat is going very well. This is pretty funny. MC lost all of her Baby Growing weight within the first week I was on Earth. But then, I ate at the boobie buffet 24/7 and it made her insanely hungry. So she gained a bunch of it back. Isn't that crazy?

So we put our heads together and began counting calories. But MC was starving all the time and still didn't lose weight. That's what I call a lose-lose situation. And the supply at the buffet tanked, so no one was happy. And when I'm not happy, we have problems.

MC was all sad, so she started working out with a trainer. He told us to read this blog:

http://www.paleonu.com/get-started/

The gist is you kind of eat like our ancestors did a bunch of years ago. You know, back when they lived in caves instead of condos. I don't really like science, but if you do, you can see all the studies and research that explain the theory.

If you don't feel like reading here is the deal. It all revolves around insulin. Increase in insulin is bad and makes you fat and hungry. And oh yeah, causes disease. Yuck.

1. Don't eat sugar or white flour.

2. Limit grains.

3. Increase fat.

It's super yummy and totally works. MC is closing in on her pre-preg weight, but wants to lose a bit more.

And here's the best part. Since going primal, the supply at the boobie buffet has just about doubled.

And that makes me happy. And when I'm happy, we are all happy.

Breaking News: I Have Hair

Check it out! I'm rocking a bow WITH NO HEADBAND! The bow is indeed clipped to actual strands of hair. I'm pretty sure I'm a future blond, so I still kind of look bald. But I really am sprouting a nice little mane.

This picture was snapped by the paparazzi at the gay chorus concert this weekend. Mommy Chick and I worked in the lobby pimping a DVD we produced.

I am wearing a custom-made dress, designed for me by one of Daddy Dude's patients. She has a little business and keeps threatening to open an online store, but so far has not. We will let you know as soon as that gets rolling.

MC is wearing, don't judge, a dress from Macy's junior department. She is far from being a "junior" so I was a bit confused. But it totally makes sense...she needed something sassy and trendy, yet didn't want to commit much cash. MC still melting away some pounds, so I agree that investing in something pricey would be silly.

We paid $24.99 for this little dress. Here is a similar one for the same price:

Help Monkey Babies with Blood Cancers

Happy Friday! Yesterday I celebrated my eight month birthday. Yay me! I use the term "celebrate" lightly, because Mommy Chick and I like to celebrate our love and fabulocity each day, and we think you should, too.

I'm so happy to be healthy and have the energy to play in the park and blog about pretty clothes. I've told you before that I did a short NICU stint when I was born. Pneumonia is for the birds. It was not a good time and MC doesn't like to to talk about it, especially because she wears liquid eyeliner which is not conducive to crying.

Here is a video of me when I was a few days old. I was sucking colostrum off a cotton swab. If you watch it too much, you might melt at how sweet and cute I am. BTW...those are Daddy Dude's hands. MC does not have big furry fingers. That would be gross.

When I was in the hospital, MC and Daddy Dude were so touched by the help and outpouring of love we all received. Our friend, Barbara, was so wonderful to all of us. She came and sat with MC, who was all weepy pants. But even though MC was weepy, she still blew out her hair and wore lip gloss, which is a lot more

than I can say for a nurse who was mean to us. But I digress.

Barbara also did cranial sacral therapy on me, which helped me heal faster. I was only in the pokey for 10 days, and we just can't imagine what it's like for mommies and daddies and babies who have blood cancer.

And now, Barbara is running for the Central Florida Woman of the Year. That's a pretty big title, but we think it is fitting for a few reasons:

*She is a Lymph Drainage Therapist

*She is raising money for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society.

*This money goes toward helping children with blood cancers.

*Every 10 minutes a life is lost to leukemia.

One dollar equals one vote. She needs 5,000 votes, or she will be publicly beheaded. I authorized a nice donation from our family business.

If each one of you gave even a dollar or two, that would be a lot. I'm not really that good at math, but I do know that a least a few hundred people visit me every day. I know that because I'm a Reverse Stalker. I can see you. And I know if you have time to be sitting around reading blogs, you have time to go this website and donate $5.

http://www.myhealthtouch.com/womanoftheyear.html

Seriously, go get a latte and then donate the same amount to help sick monkey babies.

And if you actually do it, maybe I will tell you the story about how Barbara helped MC and DD know what my name was supposed to be.

Here's your tease: I was still in utero.

Janie and Jack: Monkey Paradise

Yeah, I said it: Monkey Paradise. I do love to shop at Janie and Jack, so I'm very honored they designed a whole collection just for me.

Have you seen it?  The down side is that it is part of the layette collection, so you older kids can't get in on the fun.

I wore this little number to Seaworld over the weekend.  It's very gauzy and cool, which is a plus for these steamy temps.  Also, it's not too obvious.  You know what I mean?  The monkeys are classy and refined, just chillin' in palm trees.  They're not slinging poo like zoo monkeys.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

This is $34.

The Monkey Paradise collection features some cuteness for boys, too.  This shirt is $28.  I can picture my boyfriends wearing this while smoking a Cuban cigar, except infants probably shouldn't smoke.

They also have some pretty sassy stuff on sale, like this bikini for $23.

And these pineapple swim trunks for $21.99.

My Own Version of "Dancing with the Stars"

Do you love "Dancing with the Stars"? I think it's fabulous and is one of the reasons I refuse to go to bed early.

I can't decide whether I love Nicole or Evan more. Nicole is from the same town as Mommy Chick, and is clearly the best dancer. But Evan is so funny, and I'm pretty sure he is fa-la-la-fabulous, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

As you may already know, I excel at the River Dance!

Now I've added ballroom to my repertoire.

This was an impromptu performance. Next time I will spray tan and add sequins to my monkey pajamas.